Thursday, July 8, 2010

Getting past an affair - Ask A Housewife!

The following question is from a gentleman that is facing marital problems after numerous affairs on his part and on his wife's.
He is looking for advice on how to reconcile their marriage and go on to build a healthy marital bond.

(Please note that questions posted are not edited in any way. Questions are copied verbatim as they were asked.)

"My wife and I have been married for 21 yrs together for 24.
I had 2 affairs before we were married. They meant nothing to me. They were just sexual.
We had a child together at the time and we were planning our marriage at the time.
I have been addicted to pornogphy for most of my adult life. I thot that info may be helpful.
I found out in 2005 that my wife has been emotionally attached to an ex lover ever since er were married. I found a letter she had written him telling me this.
We went thru hard times back then but seemed to work it out.
Recently I have found out that thru Facebook they have been in contact.
In march of 2010 they meet in a park approx. 140 mile from our house. I found this out when she told me after I saw the text messages on here cell.
She says she is still in love with this person but it isn't physical. What the heck does that mean?
We are really going thru some hard times right know. I find I can't trust here and that I'm checking her phone everytime she lays it down. She says she still loves me but she is unhappy.
We have a lot of debt and little money.
She has since told me that she will stop all contact with this person. And I will have nothiing to do with porn. I don't know what to do. I love her sooo much and I don not want to loose her but I do not want to be a fool or do I want to get hurt again.
please help."

Dear (Name removed),

It seems as though both of you have made mistakes within your relationship and marriage, which is fairly normal for a relationship that has lasted over 20 years.

We are all human and make mistakes.. big and small. The key to moving on from the mistakes and not carrying them with you is to forgive yourself and your partner.
When men have affairs, it is typically due to a physical gratification that they may not be getting with their significant other. Men tend to be led with their eyes and are focused on things they see.
Women are more likely to have affairs because they do not feel they are being loved and are craving loving attention and intimacy. Women do not typically go after an affair for the sex, but for the feel of love, which in turn will lead to physical intimacy. Women tend to be led with their heart and feelings.

Debt is definitely a stress on a relationship, but it can be easily overcome. Since you do not have much money to go out and do things, focus on your relationship with each other at home by communicating and just spending quality time with each other and your family.
This would give your wife the intimacy that she needs from you.

It is a great first step that she has agreed to stop all communication between herself and the man from Facebook and your acknowledgement of your porn addiction and willingness to overcome that.
You both need to sit down and start communicating openly and honestly about EVERY aspect of your lives and your lives together as a married couple.
The more open you are with each other, the more vulnerable you will be to each other and that will open up a flood of emotions that will bring you closer together.

I understand your not wanting to be a fool and get hurt again, but I am sure your wife is feeling the same thing. Even though your past affair did not mean anything to you, it most likely meant a great deal to her. Talk to her about how you are feeling and I'm sure that you both will have similar feelings about the affairs.

If you care enough about her and your marriage, then the hard work it will take to build it back up to a healthy state is worth it.

I wish you the best of luck in your marriage!

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